Finally, here we are. I honestly never thought that I would write about this, but it looks like the time has come. As you all know writing about this is not easy. It is quite scary I would say. Although I have to turn back to some things in my past, I am ready to finally show you the whole story behind who I am.
If you did not know, I had suffered from eating disorders for 3 years. I had anorexia and bulimia at one point in my life. When I turned 11 in the summer of 2013., I started drowning into my negative thoughts and at the end of the summer, I ended up in hospital diagnosed with an eating disorder. I lost around 20 kilograms, lost the will for living, stopped fighting… My life slowly started to fall apart and I was scared of everything that was put in from of me. Soon enough, as I couldn’t bear the fact of living and waking up each day, so I decided there was no going back to normal. The reason for my decision was the feeling of unworthiness, loneliness, and unhappiness. I felt that I wasn’t good enough and I just didn’t want the world to see me and for it to have a place for me.
The truth is that people don’t really know the truth behind eating disorders. They think that the girls/boys that have an eating disorder just want to look like models from the magazines. Well, that is so not true! I never wanted to look like a model. The one and only thing I wanted was to feel good about myself. To feel that I am good enough for my dad and the people I was surrounded by. But unfortunately, I could never accomplish that. I always thought that what I was doing wasn’t enough. I thought that I was the issue for everyone around me and I always wanted to help others so that I could bear myself. When I look back I can honestly remember all of those feelings. I can remember that darkness and that negativity. It is something that you can’t live with. It slowly starts eating you from the inside and it just turns you against everything and everyone you love. In 2013 (when it all started) I pushed my friends, family and everyone I loved against me. I thought that I don’t deserve their love and that was why I treated them as shit (sorry for the swearing). I thought that pushing them away would make their life better, happier and that I am not worthy of them. The darkness that took over me made me believe that it was the only thing I have left. That I can’t listen to anyone around me except the feeling I felt then. Although that wasn’t true and I shouldn’t have listened to those feelings, I was just so lost that I didn’t know what path to take. I was quite mad at my dad at that point in my life, because he was always working. I missed him and I wanted to feel my dads love, which I couldn’t get. I thought that by losing weight and shaping up I could make him proud of me. He did always want me to live a healthy lifestyle and to be healthy, but he didn’t know how to show that in the right way. Since I was little, each summer he wouldn’t allow me to eat ice cream, cake or sweets and he pushed me to swim and train each day. I know that it sounds awful (and it was) but he just didn’t know any other way to show me how a healthy lifestyle is important. And so when I lost so much weight, ended up in the hospital and stopped being who I was, my family collapsed. They didn’t know if I would survive the night, they couldn’t even talk to me and they missed their little girl.
You know in those 11 years I had then, I never saw my dad cry, but when I got sick he cried with me. He even told me this:
When you were in the hospital in 2013. I came out of the building you were in, looked up into the sky and asked God: “Can you please give me just one more conversation with my daughter? Just one more, before it all ends? Please..?
OH! It is quite hard to remember him saying that…But yeah, it was like that. My family never stopped hoping and searching for help. They were fighting outside the hospital to find someone who can help me, and me? Well, I became my own worst enemy. And so in January of 2014., my family brought me to Portugal. They found a clinic in which I stayed for 1 year and 10 months. I recovered and got home. There they taught me the value of life, they taught me to love myself and I made amazing new friends.
In November of 2015., when I got back from Portugal, I was quite scared. My home here didn’t look like a home. I forgot how it felt to be with your family, friends, I forgot how does it feel to go to school and even how does it feel to live without people being there each every second for you… I needed to adapt to my old life and actually build it all over again. At that point, I was quite fragile. I ate and learned how to maintain my weight but I was still very weak.
At one point when I got back, I went on a trip with my primary school. It was the last year of my primary education and I decided to spend some missed with my old friends. In my class, there was a boy who I was in love with. Well, not in love but I liked him since the fifth grade. I was so happy that I would see him on that trip because he liked me too (that was what I thought). He knew the whole story about me and I talked to him while being in Portugal. He was quite important to me and I trusted him. So as I said when I came back I was really fragile, not only physically but mentally too. I was scared and I just wanted to feel safe. I wanted to make sure that people around me care about me. So even though I thought that when I come back people will be the same as when I left and that they will care about me as they did, that didn’t happen. Instead on that trip that boy didn’t talk to me and after when we talked through Facebook he told me this:
I don’t like you because you are too skinny.
When he told me that I wanted to disappear. I wanted to just close myself somewhere and never come out. I felt sad, miserable, unworthy, angry, pissed… I cried and I didn’t know what to do. Even though I was fragile I made a huge progress from where I was in 2013, but obviously, that boy didn’t see that. He just saw me through my body and not my life story. Well, that was the breaking point in my whole journey. After that, I promised myself that I will love my body, work on my mindset even more and after I help myself, I will help others too.
In 2016., somewhere in August, I started working out a little in a private gym in my town. I started with groups and some weight training. That was the real thing that made me happy. I fell in love with what I was doing and I started to be more confident in myself. My body started getting stronger and by 2017 it got to this point.
I was still skinny but I had energy and I felt good about myself, which was really important. Although I made progress I wanted something more. I wanted to grow my muscles and to be even stronger. Because of that, I got my personal trainer. I started training with her in April of 2017. and I am still having training sessions with her even today. She is the most loving and kind person EVER! She accepted who I was and she helped me build my self-confidence. It wasn’t easy in the beginning I do have to admit. I mean letting someone dictate to you how you should do something is not easy, at least it wasn’t for me. Through time I started to trust her and I figured that letting her show me something I don’t know much about will make me accomplish what I was looking for. She taught me how to workout, what exercises to do, how to perform them and she became a person I could 100% rely on. She became my idol and she showed me how gripping training can be.
Without her, I would never accomplish this and I am so thankful that I have met her.
But I do have to say that I have my bad days too. I have days in which I hate my body and that is totally normal. But I also have the good ones of which I am so proud of everything I have done. All in all, the most important thing is that I have more good days than bad ones. I do hope that this post helped you understand a little better the background of an eating disorder and I do hope that you got a little motivation to achieve your goals too 🙂 By the way, I will continue to work on mine too!